Am I Crazy?

[talonkarrde]

Insanity is an oddity when you're young. Just because you saw shapes and beings in thin air sometimes and others didn't — it wasn't so weird. Almost all children have imaginary friends, don't they? Especially, of course, the ones that don't have real ones.

Insanity is, when you're older, a label. Maybe you had always seen different things, believed different things, but people accepted it less with every year. Teachers, parents, even classmates who had accepted that there was a fluffy elephant over there and a clown over here when you were six didn't when you were ten. There were still things you had in common with others, and just because you saw some different things — just because you thought differently — didn't mean that you didn't deserve to breathe the same air and eat the same foods as them. In this world, all are created equal, and just because you were different wasn't a problem, right?

Insanity is learning you are wrong, that nothing you learn about rights and equality applies to you.

Insanity is a locked room, padded walls, and a straightjacket. It's a lack of a physical freedom, but more than that, it's a declaration that you are not just different but ill, inferior. It's being hidden away from society so thoroughly that even your parents forget about you, sometimes — it's the one call a week to those bound to you by blood, hearing them pick up and say hello, saying 'Hey, this is ____' — and hearing the pause as they try and remember who you are, and then the unconcealable depression as they — your parents — respond with a quiet 'oh...'

Insanity, your shrink tells you, is this condition you have, but it's okay, because with enough time and a smorgasbord of pills, maybe you'll get better. But is it really that? It seems like it's really about not believing what everyone else believes; it's about seeing something different and unacceptable, even if it's beautiful. It's not about reality, because their perception is reality. If you see the sky as green instead of blue, if you see ghosts, you are insane. And only by hiding what you see can you stop being insane.

Insanity is an excuse to treat you like an animal.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome, you hear one day. It's not your experience; what you know makes that statement a mockery. And yet, from the knowledge of the outside world, of your time before the asylum, it makes sense in a morbid way, doesn't it? All of those people out there do the same thing over and over, and don't they all expect different outcomes? Don't they all think that they'll get raises, or win the lottery, or pay off their debts, or get in shape, even though they don't really do anything different from day to day? And yet, you're the one locked in here, forced to wet the bed sometimes because they won't let you go to the bathroom like a human being.

Insanity is jumping off a building, thinking you'll spread wings and fly. Insanity is seeing voices where there are none, or believing things that aren't true. Insanity is being a danger to yourself, or others, and not properly integrating with society. That's what you hear from one of your fellow inmates, who still thinks he can make it out of here, but you know better than that now.

Insanity is not jumping off a building when you have the chance, but choosing instead to be locked up forever.

Comments

[kittenboo.livejournal.com]

Love the last line

[talon.livejournal.com]

Thanks :)

[fourzoas.livejournal.com]

I love how this increases in complexity until I'm at end and I'm agreeing with something I ought not. Lovely!

[talon.livejournal.com]

Thank you! It's something that just flowed and felt right to end it the way I did.

[kandigurl.livejournal.com]

Powerful and unsettling, very nice take on the theme!

[talon.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[myrna-bird.livejournal.com]

Why am I NOT surprised to see you have squeezed in the last entry? LOL! Some things never change. It's okay. I like dependable. :)

It is great to read you again. Indeed, all the world is crazy but you and me..and...I...am...beginning...to...wonder...about... you.
(just kidding)

[talon.livejournal.com]

Dependably last — but we'll see how I hold up through the competition. ;)

[myrna-bird.livejournal.com]

So far, so good.;)

[jem0000000.livejournal.com]

I think you've hit the nail on the head here.

[talon.livejournal.com]

Thank you. It's definitely something that's rather uncomfortable, but it feels true, in a way that it shouldn't, I think.

[lrig-rorrim.livejournal.com]

Powerful and moving. I love the progression here, the logic.

[talon.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[oneonthefence.livejournal.com]

Wow. I'm - moved in a very unsettled way. And that last line is so, so true.

Again, wow.

[talon.livejournal.com]

So true, and yet, so...disturbing, isn't it, when put like that?

[jensi08.livejournal.com]

This was...deep and it really got to me. Great job!!

[talon.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[talon.livejournal.com]

Thank you. There's definitely improvements to be made, but I'm honestly not sure we've been making them as fast as we could have been, instead preferring to toss pills at problems.

[momebie.livejournal.com]

This, especially the last couple paragraphs, reminds me strongly of the common illustration of existential angst. Angst, or the anguish of human existence, is best felt when standing on the edge of a cliff. The fear you feel is not a fear of falling or of dying, it's a fear of yourself, because in that moment you realize that you have the power to throw yourself in. Once you realize that those two wills-the will to hold yourself back and the will to throw yourself off-will be at odds forever.

HI, I'M OVER INVESTED IN EXISTENTIALISM. But also, I liked following the flow of your thought here.

[talon.livejournal.com]

Hi, it's okay, existentialism is awesome :P

I think that realization is something that's incredibly powerful, actually, and can shape people's lives in terrific ways. It's also, I suspect, not something that a lot of people consciously come to the understanding of, because they're not driven to such a cliff (real or otherwise).

[idol-sileri.livejournal.com]

I really like this. The ramifications of being declared insane are huge. I firmly believe it's not something that should be done lightly.

[talon.livejournal.com]

It's weird because a lot of criminals, at least, seem to think that it's preferable to being declared guilty, and yet I'm not sure they understand what they're getting into. Guilty relegates you to prison, yes, but you serve your term and are able, at least sometimes, to rejoin the world. Those declared insane, on the other hand...

[baxaphobia.livejournal.com]

I loved the sort of rambling way this builds until...wow! The last line is fabulous.

[talon.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[cheshire23.livejournal.com]

Just unsettling enough in all the right ways. Well done.

[talon.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

[halfshellvenus.livejournal.com]

Really thought-provoking, especially starting from the common phase shared by chidren and then the ensuing change. How is a child to know that those imaginary friends and talking stuffed animals don't keep going on for other kids?

[talon.livejournal.com]

I would expect that, in real life, they don't, though they probably pick up that no one else mentions it. Eventually, though - when they're eight or nine, maybe? I'd expect that it slips out... and it all goes downhill from there.

[vaudy.livejournal.com]

A wonderful piece, very powerful. It's unsettling and heartwrenching and thought-provoking.

[talon.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[occasionally.livejournal.com]

This was wonderfully written. Troubling and sad--but moving and thought-provoking. I think you really captured some great emotion and some great ideas in here.

It's nice to be reading you again.

[talon.livejournal.com]

:) It's nice to be back. Thanks!

[noodledays.livejournal.com]

wow, powerful stuff.

[talon.livejournal.com]

Thank you!