talonkarrde: (color)
The boy wakes in the middle of the night, bleary and confused and wondering where the sun was and why he was awake at all if the sun wasn't up. And then he wraps the comforter more snugly around him and sighs contentedly and—

A dish breaks, downstairs, the sharp crack of it dispelling the sleepiness instantly.

He knows why he woke up now; he strains his ears and hears the muffled voices, the building tempo of accusation and retort, and his face scrunches up, trying to ignore it, trying to make it just go away through sheer force of will.

It doesn't, and then the voices get louder and louder, the shouts more angry, the responses faster, until it builds and builds and he can't take it anymore and then, mercifully, another dish breaks or is thrown or something and there's silence for a moment.

He counts the seconds in his head and gets all the way to two before it starts again, and then the shouts, the screams, the pounding in his head builds and builds and presses out and he can't stop it no matter how much he tries to block it out and all he can do is run.

He hops out of bed and yanks the the door open, sliding and tripping down the stairs, past his mother and father in the kitchen, past the dishes, the shards, the hatred, out the back door, the screen door hinges protesting as he pushes through it, the sound of his name following him out.

He pays it no mind, running into the sparse woods, sobbing and choking and blindly pressing forward and when he cares about where he is anymore, he's on a street, his feet hurt, and his star wars pyjamas are dirty and dusty and his parents will be very unhappy at him but he would rather that than they be unhappy at each other and—

Then he notices that he's, in fact, not alone. There's a girl sitting behind a wooden desk and sign on one of the lawns close by, staring at him. It could almost be a lemonade stand, but for the fact that it's late at night and there's no lemonade and the sign says... something. Something that isn't lemonade, something he can't make out.

So he takes a few steps closer, rubbing at his eyes, squinting and putting on a face that he hopes is a bit more composed than it was before. And before he can read the sign, she speaks, softly and kindly. She has freckles, and brown hair, and is a few years older than him, though not by much.

"Got lost, kiddo?" she asks, clasping her hands in front of her and leaning forward.

"No, no, I just..." he shrugs, falling silent, not wanting to reveal why he was here and not being able to make anything up off the top of his head.

"S'fine, you know. People get lost all the time. And usually they get found again. GPSes and all that," she says into the quiet, and then goes on, chattering away. "Really cool tech these days and all. Sort of makes it so you're never lost, no matter where you are, on the highest mountains or in the sea or in foreign countries."

He looks at her, and slowly, the throbbing in his head dulls. Her voice is pleasant, and friendly, and he stands there and lets her talk for awhile, until he realizes that she's staring at him, rather expectantly.

"What?" he asks, confused.

"I asked," she says, patiently, "what brought you out here?"

He looks around, still hesitant to answer the question, and then looks faintly confused. "Isn't this Oak Street? I didn't know that there was anyone in middle school who lived out here."

"I don't get out much," she says, still smiling, but it's a fraction less wide than it was. "I'm homeschooled, and so there's not as much chance for me to meet the people that go to the middle school."

"Oh," is all he responds with. And she still has that waiting expression on her face, so he shrugs, and says, "my parents were fighting," quietly, just above a whisper, as he starts blinking the tears away.

And now it's her turn to mutter the 'oh', and she nods, the smiling falling away. He shrugs, turning away from her and looking back at his house, across the field, until he hears a noise from behind him.

She opens the drawer and takes out a few different objects — a carved wooden sparrow, which she places so that it is upright on the desk, a tin whistle, and a worn pack of cards.

"I'd like you to-" she hesitates, for the first time in the night, but steels herself and continues. "To choose one of these. They'll help you out. I know it's weird, but choose one, and I'll tell you the story of it, and you can make a choice."

He blinks, looking down at the items on the desk. Knickkacks, really. Wordlessly, he points to the sparrow.

"The sparrow," she says, closing her eyes and reciting from memory, "is a sign of courage in the face of adversity, of finding hope in the darkest of times. Keep it with you and remember that even in the night, the sun will rise and the sparrow will sing again."

He looks hesitant, but then she reaches into her pocket and brings out an identical one.

"And you should know that you're never alone and there will always be others in your flock, who will support you."

Now he finally understands and slowly, carefully, reaches out to pick it up, feeling the lightness, turning it over and over again.

She waits for a few moments and then yawns, exaggeratedly. "Alright, kiddo. Past my bedtime, and probably yours."

He nods, ready to go back and face the music, but there's one thing missing. "I'm Rex," he says. "What's your name?"

"Diana," she responds, the smile returned. "Goddess of the moon."

As Rex heads home, slowly rolling the sparrow in his fingers, he turns back one last time, and finally gets to read the sign just as she folds it away.

Bank of the Lost, it reads, and Rex smiles, for the first time that night.




---

A writing duel between myself and [livejournal.com profile] mahmoth. We've been doing these on and off for years and years now (and were some of the first things I posted to this livejournal) but the last one was some time ago, and it was nice to get back into it. The constraints are that we only get two hours to write and that there's a ~500 word limit. The latter one I had completely forgotten, blew past, and so DQ'd myself, but thought the piece itself was still worth posting.
talonkarrde: (Default)
For Liz — [livejournal.com profile] _asherah_

(I figured I'd do the Christmas ones first, and as usual, this is a bit late. It's still Christmas in...uh...Tonga?)

---

It's been the little moments that hit me the hardest. The big pieces — the awful emptiness of the house, the passenger seat in the car, the empty side of the bed — can be neatly compartmentalized, explained to the therapist, and dealt with, generally with distractions and work and staying busy and doing a relentless job of making sure the kids are where they should be, when they need to be there, and have what they want. Staying busy makes it so that there isn't enough time to carefully study the large, gaping hole that's been in our lives; it's hanging a blanket in front of it and as long as no one studies it too closely, we all get by — more or less.

But every once in a while the blanket slips, and hole only seems to have grown larger since the last time we looked at it. Like the way that our — my — seven year old, Jessica, tilts her head at me some mornings after examining her lunchbox and says that her lunch isn't packed quite right; that one line destroys me every time, though I can usually keep it to myself until after the bus comes and I see her up the steps. I'm fighting the tears as it pulls up to the street corner, so much so that I can't make out the doorknob when I turn around.

Or how after cleaning the house relentlessly every weekend (even though I hated cleaning before), after vacumning and sweeping and dusting, there's still Shadow's fur, somehow, even though everything's been cleaned a thousand times before and it should've been picked up last week, or the week before, or somewhere in the five months since it's been since the accident. Every time I see the telltale black hair, I can't help but listen for the scratching at the door that never comes, can't help but feel the wet slobber on my toes that means it's really — and Shadow means really — time to get up, on the weekends.

Sunday mornings are the worst, when Rose and I used to wake up around nine or ten and simply lie there and talk, hold each other close, and wait for one of the children or Shadow to scratch at our bedroom door. Sometimes, one of the kids would let him out, and so we would lie in blissful peace until eleven or twelve, called downstairs only by the growling in our bellies. 

Nowadays, I set an alarm for 7:00 a.m., before the sun gets a chance to cast its rays on the bed, before the tentative knock on the door by one of my daughters looking for breakfast — or, sometimes, when they're not fully awake, for their mother.

When I brought it up, the therapist said that it will get better with time, as the memories fade. The first time I heard it, I was struck by the unimaginable cruelty of the statement — these memories were all I had left of them, and the only thing that would make it better was forgetting? Bullshit, I said angrily, I want a better answer. But she only shook her head, looking apologetic, and said the words I wanted to hear the least.

"You have to learn to move on, John, and you need to face it to do so."

As if I could just move on from someone who had been a part of my life for so long. But she said — using my metaphor, of all things — that instead of hiding the hole, I needed to accept it, that I needed to spend a few minutes each day thinking of the accident, of what we had and lost, and make my peace with it. And more importantly, she said that I had to move on because it was the only way that my daughters would grow up at peace with it as well, and that struck a chord in me, I guess.

I had always tried to be a good father and do right by them, and now I was the only one left.

It was hard at first. No, it was worse than that, it was fucking terrible — purposely calling up memories of the two of them, of trips to the park and playing with other pet owners and wrestling with the adorable dog for a frisbee — all it did was paralyze me, until I was breaking down at work, in the car, my body wracked with sobs as I pictured their last moments, the small Mini turning sideways as the SUV came barrelling towards them.

That didn't last very long. Instead, I simply... slowed down a bit. I moved a bit less quickly to busy myself with the next chore and the next, and simply let some things remind me of them, sometimes. In time, it did get easier; I never forgot about any of the memories we shared, but they became... softer. I could still tell you what Shadow smelled like when we adopted him from the animal shelter, or what Rose wore on our first date together, but it wasn't as present; it was more like seeing a vision faraway, a bit hazy from the distance, and that made it a bit easier to deal with.

When I told the therapist this — seven months after the day — she nodded, telling me that it was a normal part of the process. I would never lose them, she said to me, but it would be easier because I didn't remember it as distinctly, and there were different, other ways to remember and cherish them, ones that wouldn't hurt like that. 

And then, just when I thought things were going well, she asked me what I had planned for Christmas. The holiday season was always tough on people, she said, especially the first one after a death in the family.

Christmas had always been 'an event' in our household. We wouldn't say it was any more special than what anyone else did, but there was a certain order to the season and to Christmas Eve and the day of in particular — we always got a tree from our local tree farm two weeks before Christmas itself, and decorated the tree not just with the usual baubles and lights, but also small pictures from our scrapbooks — it was a way to remember moments that we had all forgotten through the year. Christmas morning, Rose and I always stayed awake until 2 a.m. to put the presents under the tree; we were very careful not to let either of the kids catch us, though of course they tried, but we always engineered an active and exciting Christmas Eve of family time, and they always nodded off before one in the morning, despite their best efforts.

But this year...I hadn't given thought to what I would be doing, partially because I was busy, and mostly because I had managed to block it out fairly successfully, living a day, or sometimes two, at a time. It was just about two weeks before Christmas, and I made the trip right on time to get the douglas fir. After planting it in the middle of the living room, I went to the attic to get the decorations, and then froze solid when I came to the box and remembered what was inside. I simply couldn't open it, no matter how much I wanted to; I had only gone a few weeks with only the dull ache inside me, and wasn't particularly wanting to stab myself in the heart again.

I don't know how long I stayed there, sweating, standing a few feet from the box and trying to levitate the baubles out without disturbing the pictures; it was only after my older daughter Rachel called for me was I able to move. I must have been a sight — sweating buckets, shivering, standing there frozen like a deer with invisible headlights shining on me. In a fit of desperation — or maybe determination — I grabbed the box as I answered her call and headed back upstairs, ignoring what I was holding and focusing very hard on my daughter's request and her voice.

The box then laid next to the tree, for a day, two, and then a week, as Christmas crept closer and closer. I just couldn't touch it. Instead, I went out and bought gifts for the kids (in the spirit of equal opportunity, both a 'girly' gift — a doll, and some makeup set thing for Rachel — and a less girly one — a science set and a remote-controlled car) and managed to buy myself some socks and a belt that I probably needed.

Wrapping them was another quest that I hadn't really had the chance to master, but it was important to get it right, and I ended up going through pretty much a whole roll of it in my relentless pursuit of perfection. The presents ended up without any noticable creases, though, with the folds correct and neat, and in the quiet moments after doing so, I reflected that Rose would have probably approved, and felt something besides sadness for the first time since the accident while thinking about her. But I still didn't touch the box.

And then it was Christmas Eve, and we watched TV and went out for some shopping, and as the day wound down, I put the kids to bed. They never commented on the bare tree, for which I was very thankful. And around 3 a.m. — a bit later this year, because 2 a.m. didn't feel right — I snuck out to place the presents by the tree. It was still green, and still alive, and still missing all of the ornaments. But no matter how much I wanted to, no matter how much I told myself that I had to, I couldn't open the box. I must've sat there for half an hour, looking at the tree, but in the end, shamefully, I went to bed, slamming the door behind me, and fell into a sleep that was mercifully dreamless.

But when the alarm woke me up at 7:00a.m., when I walked into the living room, the tree wasn't empty and green, but bright and shining, with red and green and white balls hung, the star affixed to the top, and — and — the pictures as well, hung neatly on the tree, each 2x3 inch photo extruding happiness from Disneyland, and the park, and our wedding, and everywhere else we had ever taken pictures.

I sat down, not entirely intentionally, and heard Jessica behind me, still clutching her blanket. "Morning, daddy. Rachel says Santa put up the ornaments on the tree!"

And before I even turned to meet Rachel's eyes, I knew; it was enough that my immediate instinct was to flee and lock my door and take a forty minute shower where the tears wouldn't be discernable. But I couldn't move, my eyes still flicking over each picture, remembering where each was taken, cherishing the moments, and the world blurred as I felt a pair of arms wrap around me from behind.

"Merry Christmas, dad," my elder daughter said quietly, and I could only close my eyes and nod, bringing her around and hugging her back fiercely, sobbing only a bit. Jessica came over for the hug as well, and we all took a bit of time to cry, and smile, and remember those we had lost. But we didn't hide from it for once, and the hole seemed a bit smaller because we were here together, on Christmas.

And after a bit of skillful extraction of arms and bodies, the girls opened their presents, and I faked looking surprised at my belt and socks. But there was one present under the tree that I hadn't seen, wrapped in last year's 'Santa and sleigh' wrapping paper, a small, flat object, with small neat handwriting on it that said, simply: 'To Dad'.

Taking more care on it than anything else I recall in my life, I slowly slid my fingernail under the tape, gently lifting the fold and removing the object from the wrapping paper. It was a frame, a picture, one of the ones that must have been in the box with the others.

I flipped it over, and saw the four of us, and Shadow, smiling together from the dining room table, with a cake in front of us. It was from my last birthday, and someone must have set the timer on the camera at the other end of the table, as we were clustered at the far end, smiling, Shadow with his tongue lolling out of his mouth and looking goofy as always.

"I think, maybe, mom would've wanted you to have this," Rachel said quietly, and all I could do is gather the two of them up for another hug, thanking anyone listening for being the luckiest father in the world. And from under my arm, Jessica chimed in.

"And I think maybe mom would've wanted us to get another dog from the shelter, daddy."

And somehow, I knew that my daughters were both right — that somewhere, my wife just paused in her ball-tossing with Shadow to send a smile our way.

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Talon

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