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Current Events
Jul. 25th, 2010 02:24 pmLet me tell you what I do. It’s really very simple.
I’m a journalist, and I cover world events, as it pertains to my country. Every country has journalists, and our jobs are all the same — to write what we want people to read.
No, I didn’t make a mistake. Journalism isn’t about the truth, and it really never has been. Even in your country, there was that little journalistic war — Pulitzer vs. Hearst, I think it was — where that fabulous little name of yellow journalism was created. What they learned was that headlines, especially deliciously slanted, completely unbalanced headlines, coupled with the most sensationalistic quotes you can find, means that everyone will read what you write.
And to a journalist, having people read what you write is important. Especially if important people are reading it, see? Opinions are influenced, thoughts changed, all at the stroke of a pen.
I never do yellow journalism, though. Because that’s such a Western thing to do, and the West is a giant hive of scum and villainy and there is nothing that Westerners can teach us. Look, this is an example of my excellent writing — Kim Jong Il Makes Unofficial Visit to China. It’s pretty good, if I do say so myself; His Glorious Excellency was pretty pleased. Don’t read through all of it, it’s not really necessary. The point is that I can say so much with so little to work with. For example:
Isn’t that brilliant? Cordial hospitality with utmost sincerity. That just rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it? Whether anyone knows as to how sincere they really are, when you say it like that, it’s has to be the truth. After all, Our Glorious Leader was carrying with him deep friendship. Only monsters would receive someone carrying friendship that deep in a insincere manner. You see? It’s all the absolute truth.
Now, okay, I grant that you might have seen some other stuff about how China’s putting pressure on North Korea to stop trying to pursue nuclear intentions and whatnot. But that’s not how it is! Look:
It should be obvious from my writing that clearly it’s we who are pushing forward these denuclearization talks, see. It’s his Amazing Lordship Kim Jong Il who really wants peace in the area, and we’ve always wanted to denuclearize the peninsula! Any talks of us nuclearizing are untrue, first of all, but even if they were true, it would be simply to even the table so we can denuclearize everyone, obviously! The others just want wars, and this is the only way to avoid war: to walk away from the negotiating table, and then we can walk back and make real change. Like that Westerner, Donald Trump, who is famous for walking away from negotiations — not, of course, that Our Glorious Leader has anything in common with any corrupt capitalist Westerners.
But check this out: even if he did have something in common with those morally bankrupt, which he absolutely doesn’t, I could whip out a headline for you:
Clean, unique, simple, classic. Grabs eyes, grabs the readers. And you can’t say it’s false, because when I phrase it that way, it isn’t! The truth is such a lovely, fluid substance, see; if it weren’t, well, I’d have a much harder time doing my job. Because, look, remember what I said about the truth not mattering?
It doesn’t matter here, right now, to me.
What I print keeps me alive, see — the last guy only lasted two weeks.
I’m a journalist, and I cover world events, as it pertains to my country. Every country has journalists, and our jobs are all the same — to write what we want people to read.
No, I didn’t make a mistake. Journalism isn’t about the truth, and it really never has been. Even in your country, there was that little journalistic war — Pulitzer vs. Hearst, I think it was — where that fabulous little name of yellow journalism was created. What they learned was that headlines, especially deliciously slanted, completely unbalanced headlines, coupled with the most sensationalistic quotes you can find, means that everyone will read what you write.
And to a journalist, having people read what you write is important. Especially if important people are reading it, see? Opinions are influenced, thoughts changed, all at the stroke of a pen.
I never do yellow journalism, though. Because that’s such a Western thing to do, and the West is a giant hive of scum and villainy and there is nothing that Westerners can teach us. Look, this is an example of my excellent writing — Kim Jong Il Makes Unofficial Visit to China. It’s pretty good, if I do say so myself; His Glorious Excellency was pretty pleased. Don’t read through all of it, it’s not really necessary. The point is that I can say so much with so little to work with. For example:
The Chinese party and state leaders warmly welcomed Kim Jong Il who visited China again carrying with him deep friendship towards the fraternal Chinese people and accorded him cordial hospitality with utmost sincerity.
Isn’t that brilliant? Cordial hospitality with utmost sincerity. That just rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it? Whether anyone knows as to how sincere they really are, when you say it like that, it’s has to be the truth. After all, Our Glorious Leader was carrying with him deep friendship. Only monsters would receive someone carrying friendship that deep in a insincere manner. You see? It’s all the absolute truth.
Now, okay, I grant that you might have seen some other stuff about how China’s putting pressure on North Korea to stop trying to pursue nuclear intentions and whatnot. But that’s not how it is! Look:
Kim Jong Il expressed the DPRK's willingness to provide favorable conditions for the resumption of the six-party talks together with other parties to the talks, declaring that the DPRK remains unchanged in its basic stand to preserve the aim of denuclearizing the Korean Peninsula, implement the joint statement adopted at the six-party talks and pursue a peaceful solution through dialogue.
It should be obvious from my writing that clearly it’s we who are pushing forward these denuclearization talks, see. It’s his Amazing Lordship Kim Jong Il who really wants peace in the area, and we’ve always wanted to denuclearize the peninsula! Any talks of us nuclearizing are untrue, first of all, but even if they were true, it would be simply to even the table so we can denuclearize everyone, obviously! The others just want wars, and this is the only way to avoid war: to walk away from the negotiating table, and then we can walk back and make real change. Like that Westerner, Donald Trump, who is famous for walking away from negotiations — not, of course, that Our Glorious Leader has anything in common with any corrupt capitalist Westerners.
But check this out: even if he did have something in common with those morally bankrupt, which he absolutely doesn’t, I could whip out a headline for you:
Kim Jong Il Advances Societally-Advancing Aspect of Western culture, with Own Design
Clean, unique, simple, classic. Grabs eyes, grabs the readers. And you can’t say it’s false, because when I phrase it that way, it isn’t! The truth is such a lovely, fluid substance, see; if it weren’t, well, I’d have a much harder time doing my job. Because, look, remember what I said about the truth not mattering?
It doesn’t matter here, right now, to me.
What I print keeps me alive, see — the last guy only lasted two weeks.
