LJI Week 1: Empty Gestures

[talonkarrde]

We had one of those wonderful marriages where every little thing was meaningful to us — the first time that I told her she was beautiful was in the hallway of our old high school. She didn’t believe me then; she thought that I was saying it just to be nice, or worse, to tease her, but I meant it honestly. It was my fumbling way of telling her that I wanted to us be together — not that she took it that way at the time — but when we actually started dating, she told me it was the first time anyone had said that to her. I think that’s why she married me.

But it wasn’t just about the first time that I said it — when I woke up on a lazy Saturday morning and whispered it into her ear, when we finished dressing to go out, that day that we got married…I saw that small smile, just for me. And in response, she would say she loved me; the little exchange always brought a light to my eyes. I soon learned that using those words could defuse many of the arguments that we got in. Not all of them, of course, but I know that there were more than a few times where we almost started yelling at each other — about the bills, about the unplanned pregnancy, about a lot of things — and I stopped, took a deep breath, and said "I think you’re beautiful," and we both calmed down enough to work it out.

I remember the endless nights when we used to cuddle in bed, or raid together, or browse the internet and share links about stupid news stories, laughing at them. The little smiles and gestures we shared persisted much longer than our friends' had, I learned, who said they ‘grew out’ of that stage of their relationship. One of them said that it was just a slow change where the gestures don’t mean that much after they kept getting reused. I never understood how that was — every time I told her she was beautiful, it was positive reinforcement for both of us.

Maybe that’s why I never saw it coming.

I don’t know if it’s because I was oblivious or because, according to her, it never happened, but I never felt her drifting away. She tells me that she never stopped loving me, and as much as I wanted to yell bullshit at that, at the idea that you could love and be married to someone and then lie to him about another lover you had, a part of me wanted desperately to believe it. All I know is that during her affair, our schedule never changed. We kept on alternating getting food from Subway and McDonald’s when we didn’t feel like cooking after work, kept on putting the baby to sleep and then staying up all night to game or snuggle, she kept on saying she loved me and I kept doing the little things that made her smile.

Then the phone bill came in, saying that we owed another $70 on top of the usual rate, because we were hundreds of minutes over what the plan covered. I thought it was a mistake until I called them, bitching about how we were being overcharged and that there was no way this was a legitimate charge. I remember the customer service rep’s voice — polite at first, then defensive, and finally, after he told me what the minutes were from and we both realized what it meant, soft and apologetic. I remember him saying, "I’m sorry,” as if it had any meaning, and then asking if he could do anything else for me, as if he could fix anything by lessening the charges.

I was angry… but much more than that, I just wanted to know why. I wanted to know what it was about me that made her seek someone else, what I, her husband, could change to be as important to her as someone she had never met, someone she had met online. I wanted to know what the fuck I did wrong, and why she never told me so I could make it better. I confronted her about it that night, after we put our child to sleep, and all she could say was that she was sorry.

So I asked him, the person who my wife had been cheating on me with, I swallowed my pride and asked him what I did wrong, and all he could say was that she always said she still loved me — as if that made what they did okay, as if that meant our marriage was going to go back to what it was before.

I am staying with her for the sake of our child, because he deserves to be raised with two parents. It took time for me to even talk to her anymore, but we’ve restored some semblance of what we had. We still game together, even snuggle sometimes, and go out to dinner together.

I still tell her, from time to time, that she’s beautiful, and she still responds that she loves me. That little smile isn’t there any more, and those words don’t mean anything to me anymore. Perhaps it had never meant anything in the first place. But I’m afraid to stop, because even though they are empty gestures, they keep our marriage together.

---

Edit: Author's Note: I'm sorry, I forgot to add this in before I submitted it. The speaker is not me, though neither is it fiction, and I would like to leave it at that.

Comments

[baxaphobia.livejournal.com]

This absolutely made me cry. Your pain comes through in every word.

[imafarmgirl.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry. Very sad entry, especially when it seems you were not at fault in the least. I hope you can find a way to be happy and find a way to teach your child love instead of empty gestures between two people.

[talon.livejournal.com]

I just added an A/N to clarify. This isn't, exactly, my experience, though it was a personal one. It's difficult to explain.

I have hope that the child will be okay, though.

[imafarmgirl.livejournal.com]

Holy crap. Even bettter because it was really believable as you. Now I can say that I really feel which is that I think it's sad when people stay together for the kids. lol. Since it's not you. Big grins. Really really great piece of writing.

[stormkitty.livejournal.com]

Wow. I would hope that the person you're writing about would realize that it's not good for the child to see the empty gestures in marriage. Better to be apart and co-parent effectively than to teach a child through actions that this is what marriage should be like. Like you, not my personal experience, but one of someone close to me.

Very well written. Until the A/N I thought it was from your perspective in the situation.

[beautyofgrey.livejournal.com]

This was very well-written and nearly brought me to tears - well done.

[cacophonesque.livejournal.com]

The one thing I guess I wasn't clear on was the infidelity issue. Was there anything beyond the phone calls/texts? Or was it just the matter of building an intimate friendship with another person of opposite gender? I just don't always understand where exactly other people draw the boundaries of their relationships.

It is beautifully written. I just feel like I can't determine my emotional response to the individual characters.

[talon.livejournal.com]

In a way, I would like to deflect the question and first ask what you would consider to be true infidelity that goes against the vows of marriage, and what would be...'acceptable'.

In this case, there was a matter of being intimate over the phone.

[cacophonesque.livejournal.com]

Well, the vows that I've most often heard at weddings are:

"I give you this ring, wear it with love and joy. I choose you to be my wife, to have and to hold from this day forward for better or for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish as long as we both shall live."

Which actually leave a lot of room for a diversity of particular arrangements and interpretations. In this instance, if she truly did not stop loving and cherishing her husband, then by also loving someone else has she truly gone against the vows of marriage?

[talon.livejournal.com]

She knew that he would disapprove, and yet she did it anyway.

[jenandbronze.livejournal.com]

Whoever is experiencing this, is a very difficult thing. I can sense the hurt and anger rising and the sense of peace over it all to keep the parents together fo r the sake of the child.... excellent writing!

[meee-tooo.livejournal.com]

How sad. I don't know that there's anything worse in this world than being unfaithful to the one that loves you.

[kutiechick.livejournal.com]

So well written - and I was totally thrown at the end with the disclaimer. It had such a personal feel that I thought it was from your POV. Thanks for sharing.

[negativeneve.livejournal.com]

This is really nicely written. I liked the set-up. The character really seems to love his wife. The sadness he feels is evident in the beginning, but I also kept wondering, until it was explained, whether or not this was a story about two people who would be together forever because they loved each other. He also seems a little angry, and kind of blames the child for being in the situation he's in.

My only real issue is this part:
...because even though they are empty gestures...

I would have preferred something like "because even though now they're meaningless" or something. The reason being it's obvious that telling her she's beautiful was going to become an empty gesture, so you didn't really need to put a name to it.

Overall I think you did a good job. It was easy to read, to the point, and it told a good story.

Good job. =)

[poppetawoppet.livejournal.com]

wow. What an amazing story. Phew.

[shadows-of.livejournal.com]

it takes a well of talent to be able to tell someone else's story and still have it feel so terribly personal.

[finding_helena]

This was really beautiful. Thanks for sharing it.

[shadowwolf13]

Wow ... I have no words. This is very powerful and feeling. Even though it's not you you still bring across the emotions very clearly.

[crimsonplum.livejournal.com]

I took a Name in vain out loud when I read the phone company paragraph. Beautifully painful, and beautifully written.

[teaberryblue.livejournal.com]

Nicely written! I thought that the bit with the phone company was one of the strongest bits-- I would actually love to hear this story from the customer service representative's perspective.

[onda-bianca.livejournal.com]

Wow.

[tigrkittn.livejournal.com]

This was very powerful, and it was very creative of you to write this story from someone else's first-person perspective. I find it sad when relationships fade for no apparent reason, and also when people stay together for the kids. The part about the phone rep conversation worked very well. Bravo.

[faerie-spark.livejournal.com]

Emotion comes through in every word. Excellent job!

The question I am left with in the end is: Is it better for a child to grow up with two parents in the house, or better for him to observe happy people in his life. Children are shrewd and can detect discord. This question isn't meant to criticize the way you wrote this, or the decisions whomever this was written about has made. It's just a thought.

[talon.livejournal.com]

I don't take it as criticism.

Honestly, I believe it depends on how the couple work it out. If they can rebuild the trust, the child should be fine; if they can't, though, then I believe it would be better for them to separate.

[superhappytime.livejournal.com]

this is great and I enjoyed the tone of it and the bittersweet ending...more people should be reading this.

[kittenboo.livejournal.com]

And you should thank superhappytime for telling me to read this. Amazing writing, and a powerful story. Very well done

[dearestevermore.livejournal.com]

I understood.

[thndrstd.livejournal.com]

Though you mention in your note that the speaker is not you, you do an excellent job capturing that raw emotion. Well done.

[java-fiend.livejournal.com]

What a heart wrenching story. Wow. Really well written. Thanks for sharing this story.

[majesticarky.livejournal.com]

Thanks for adding the disclaimer to clarify things a little. It really look a lot of talent to write this and completely pass it off as if you were feeling it without any doubt. Excellent writing.

[connie]

This is stunning.