At the same time, it always bothers me when I want to be honest but people don't understand me and think that I have low self-esteem ... I always encourage myself by thinking of my weak points. If I get even one answer wrong on an exam, I think about why, and I can always find an answer like, I cut corners when I made a notecard of that fact to memorize, or I figured I could cut corners when it came to studying this part, or I thought through the answer but I didn't trust my own intellect and picked something at random. People worry because I get good grades all the time - this semester my lowest exam score was a 90 - but whenever I get anything wrong at all I can always point to exactly why. So when I find that out, I know exactly how I can become a better student, and I feel good.
And my life is no good, I think to myself, "I'm worthless, I have no skills..." Well, I am worthless and I have no skills! I turned 26 yesterday and I still live with my parents. I have almost no formal education and have never earned a degree. I'm so unemployable and my social skills are so bad I've never made it through a job interview, and this April will be the first year in my life I've ever made enough to file taxes, and with any luck, next April I'll make enough to pay some. (In fact, I really look forward to being able to pay taxes because I've never done it before.) I've never even owned a car. So if I think about how useless I am, for me that's exciting, because I think about how much I'm learning and how much in the future I'll be able to do. I'm trying all the time to go home to Russia and attend the medical university, that's a very different life I'll be living. But people don't understand that and they go to encourage me and tell me how great I am (sure, I'm terrific, I'm just not well-integrated into society or anything and it's not like I don't know that) and how it's not my fault I'm struggling (it isn't, I have a tragic backstory, of course), and then I just feel weird because I made my friends upset. I can't explain myself at all. (And at the same time I would never tell somebody else they were worthless because I know that would just hurt their feelings and make them feel bad.) Also, I always tell people (beg them!) to correct me if I get something wrong, and then they don't and I find out later I've been making an ass out of myself whenever I try to use the past participle subjunctive in Russian, or something ... life is difficult. Nobody understands how to be kind to other people and to treat them the way they want to be treated. It isn't easy at all. I just wish I always understood what other people were thinking and what they need.
*mulls it over* Anyway, this is all a very roundabout way of saying that I think people like honesty and logic because it's always, in some way, correct. Like in the point of view you expressed so well here, it's not (usually) malicious or arrogant, it's that even if you didn't know how to give someone what they needed, if you were logical and honest, you at least know that you did something that was right in some way. You managed to capture that.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2014-08-13 08:27 am (UTC)And my life is no good, I think to myself, "I'm worthless, I have no skills..." Well, I am worthless and I have no skills! I turned 26 yesterday and I still live with my parents. I have almost no formal education and have never earned a degree. I'm so unemployable and my social skills are so bad I've never made it through a job interview, and this April will be the first year in my life I've ever made enough to file taxes, and with any luck, next April I'll make enough to pay some. (In fact, I really look forward to being able to pay taxes because I've never done it before.) I've never even owned a car. So if I think about how useless I am, for me that's exciting, because I think about how much I'm learning and how much in the future I'll be able to do. I'm trying all the time to go home to Russia and attend the medical university, that's a very different life I'll be living. But people don't understand that and they go to encourage me and tell me how great I am (sure, I'm terrific, I'm just not well-integrated into society or anything and it's not like I don't know that) and how it's not my fault I'm struggling (it isn't, I have a tragic backstory, of course), and then I just feel weird because I made my friends upset. I can't explain myself at all. (And at the same time I would never tell somebody else they were worthless because I know that would just hurt their feelings and make them feel bad.) Also, I always tell people (beg them!) to correct me if I get something wrong, and then they don't and I find out later I've been making an ass out of myself whenever I try to use the past participle subjunctive in Russian, or something ... life is difficult. Nobody understands how to be kind to other people and to treat them the way they want to be treated. It isn't easy at all. I just wish I always understood what other people were thinking and what they need.
*mulls it over* Anyway, this is all a very roundabout way of saying that I think people like honesty and logic because it's always, in some way, correct. Like in the point of view you expressed so well here, it's not (usually) malicious or arrogant, it's that even if you didn't know how to give someone what they needed, if you were logical and honest, you at least know that you did something that was right in some way. You managed to capture that.